Illustration for article titled Tips For Getting Pregnant

While most couples aspire to have children of their own, for many the process of becoming pregnant can be a long and difficult ordeal. Here are some helpful tips to ensure that you and your partner conceive quickly and easily:

  • It’s important to choose a sexual partner you know is fertile and capable of having children, like your father.
  • Approach sex like a tedious chore and complete it with robotic detachment twice daily.
  • Remember that patience is key: A healthy woman may sometimes take up to a week to get pregnant.
  • Be offered a huge, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that would require you to move across the country, then go home to break the news to the girlfriend you’ve been considering breaking up with lately.
  • If you are struggling to become pregnant, try truly loving your partner.
  • Skip your birth control just one day and have unprotected sex three weeks later. That’s what happened to Kaitlin.
  • Make sure to find a gravel bed that’s protected but not too far out of the way to lay your eggs; otherwise potential mates may unknowingly swim right past them.
  • Try not to think about the millions of orphans in need of a home while having sex.
  • Don’t forget to ejaculate!
  • Once the Prefecture has selected you for reproductive privileges, report to Pylon 6A for auto-insemination.
  • If you are unable to conceive after two weeks of trying, give up. This is nature’s way of letting you know your body is a caustic, inhospitable cesspool and your black, frigid soul was never intended to feel motherly love.

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