As climate change, pollution, and population growth continue to damage the environment, it’s more important than ever for consumers to make eco-friendly decisions and practice green habits. Here are some tips for going green:

  • Burn local fossil fuels
  • Ban bathtime for all but your filthiest child
  • Don’t dispose of old batteries and electronics in the regular trash; put them in that box in the garage so you can deal with them someday
  • Carpool with another person to destroy the only precious moment of solitude you have in your day
  • When people ask if you recycle, say yes
  • Let the fresh ocean breeze dry the linens you’ve hung out in the backyard of your cape home
  • Repurposing used water bottles into a decorative door wreath is a fun, pretend way to help the environment
  • Pay a consulting firm $400,000 to give your brand an eco-friendly image
  • If you just throw everything into the recycling bin, chances are at least some of it will be salvaged
  • Remember, it’s never too late to start doing your part. It is, however, too late to save the endangered baby seals that spurred you to care about any of this.