Extreme heat during the summer means many households will face months of skyrocketing energy bills. Here are some tips for saving energy and keeping your monthly bill reasonable:

  • Air-drying all of your laundry is an easy way to make sure your clothes feel uncomfortable and look like shit
  • Cool your body naturally by lowering your pulse to 10 beats per minute
  • Unplug your devices during the 30 minutes per day you are not using them
  • Stuff unused power outlets with paper towels and Kleenex to prevent electricity from escaping from the holes
  • Refer to power as “juice”
  • Explain to the maidens who fan you with giant palm fronds that hard times mean a slight reduction in wages
  • Switch off your distortion pedal to save electricity and let the warm, clean tone of your Fender Jazzmaster shine through
  • Look for tanning beds that have earned the Energy Star label
  • Gently remind family members that the special lamp they use for their seasonal affective disorder is only really intended for winter
  • Disconnect all appliances to lower your electricity use and to prevent the government from monitoring your thoughts

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