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Tips For Officiating A Wedding

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More couples are opting to have a friend or family member officiate a wedding rather than a member of the clergy, but that can put pressure on the officiant to make sure the ceremony goes smoothly. The Onion offers helpful tips for officiating a wedding.

  • Mention up top that you’re not clergy so everyone knows this is just for show and doesn’t really count.
  • Order T-shirt that says “minister.”
  • If outdoors, openly dare God to ruin this blessed gathering.
  • Flash a gun early on to deter any ex-lovers thinking of objecting.
  • Avoid rolling your eyes at the groom when you get to the part about being faithful.
  • Drop in words like “wedding” and “officiant” to make your speech SEO-friendly.
  • Make sure your speech is a balanced mix of heartfelt stories about the couple and timely political takes.
  • Limit ad breaks to no more than three in a half-hour service.
  • Don’t get caught up in the moment and kiss the bride or groom yourself.
  • Remember, there’s a huge chance their marriage won’t work out, so decide now whose side you’re on.