Securing your home to ensure that you, your family, and your belongings are safe from theft or invasion can be done through a variety of traditional and technological methods. Here are The Onion’s tips for keeping your home safe.


Make sure every doorway to the outside has a door in it.


Get a home security system, or at least a sticker that says you have a home security system.


Keep your house appearing lived-in while you’re away by asking neighbors to pick up your mail, bring in your trash cans, and stage screaming matches in your kitchen around dinner time.


A video doorbell can help deter would-be assailants from using your front door.


Eliminate any loose ends by killing whoever installed your home security system before they leave.

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Before posting any photos while on vacation, block any friends who seem like they might rob you.


If you can’t afford a home security system, all-encompassing paranoia is a cheap alternative.

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Consider living with or around wealthy white people so burglars know the police will arrive promptly if called.