Securing your home to ensure that you, your family, and your belongings are safe from theft or invasion can be done through a variety of traditional and technological methods. Here are The Onion’s tips for keeping your home safe.

Make sure every doorway to the outside has a door in it.

Get a home security system, or at least a sticker that says you have a home security system.


Keep your house appearing lived-in while you’re away by asking neighbors to pick up your mail, bring in your trash cans, and stage screaming matches in your kitchen around dinner time.

A video doorbell can help deter would-be assailants from using your front door.

Eliminate any loose ends by killing whoever installed your home security system before they leave.


Before posting any photos while on vacation, block any friends who seem like they might rob you.

If you can’t afford a home security system, all-encompassing paranoia is a cheap alternative.


Consider living with or around wealthy white people so burglars know the police will arrive promptly if called.