As springtime blooms and summer awaits, it’s the perfect time for a picnic. The Onion provides tips for a fun, stress-free picnic.


Take foods that keep well outdoors, such as pine cones, lichens, and live insects.

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Heat up your beer and wine beforehand so they stay hot.


Bring a game like bocce ball or frisbee to distract everyone from the fact that they’re eating outside like wild animals.

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Kill a few ants at the start of the picnic to show them you shouldn’t be fucked with.

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Raw meat and poultry are tricky to pack and transport, so slaughter your livestock on location to make preparation easier.

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Keep your left arm still. There’s a wasp.


Avoid midday heat, as well as evening mosquitos, by planning your picnic for the 15-minute window between 4:10 p.m. and 4:25 p.m.

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Take a moment to appreciate just how inconvenient this all is.

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