Every mother-to-be deserves a celebration of her upcoming arrival, and the best baby shower is one that fuses elegance with good fun. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing the perfect baby shower:

  • To establish a lighthearted, comfortable atmosphere, be careful not to invite any of your barren friends.

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  • When choosing a shower theme, remember the old rule of thumb: laser tag for a boy, paintball for a girl.
  • Prepare a thoughtful goodie bag for your guests in order to keep up the ruse that this isn’t a thinly veiled shakedown.
  • Take some of the burden off the mom-to-be by sending out the invitations, fielding the RSVPs, and acting as a surrogate.

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  • Wow the guest of honor with an open Similac bar and sumptuous mashed peas buffet.
  • Videotape everything so the mother will have a record of the high point of the parenting experience.
  • Instead of asking guests to guess the baby’s sex, mix things up by having them predict the child’s likely cause of death based on the mother’s medical history.

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  • Put a modern spin on the classic shower atmosphere. Make it an all-inclusive gathering by wasting three hours of your male friends’ lives, too.