Graduation season is upon us, and anyone who’s sat through one of those fucking interminable things knows that graduation speeches can make or break an event. The Onion offers tips for writing a memorable graduation speech.
- Consider the possibility that everyone already knows why graduation is called “commencement.”
- Keep the audience engaged by teasing the upcoming reveal of the name of the teacher who said he’d leave his wife for you.
- Focus on broad, relatable topics like perseverance, empathy, and the Papal Schism of 1378.
- Plagiarize something. What are they going to do, un-graduate you?
- Use school references to make your peers feel like they’re not getting the same graduation speech you give everywhere.
- Don’t make it all about whatever-his-name-was who died sophomore year.
- If you’re the valedictorian, take a moment to acknowledge all the members of your graduating class whose lives you destroyed during your ruthless climb to the top.
- Consider keeping it short, as you have no life experience and no goddamn idea what the fuck you’re talking about.
- If you get stressed, just remember that no one’s going to remember this speech in 15 minutes.