Students at every level of the education system are required to write the occasional research paper, and some might wonder where to begin. The Onion provides some tips for writing a stellar paper:

Start broad by researching the origin of all life and matter, then gradually narrow it down until you’ve landed on the role of epistolary novels in the Age of Enlightenment.

If you unearth information that undermines or refutes your thesis, either address it within the running text of the essay or use any means necessary to wipe it from the face of the earth.

Keeping a thesaurus handy will make it much easier to mask inevitable plagiarism.


Double-check that your sources are credible by tracking down the authors, accosting them at their homes, and making them promise they weren’t lying.

Throughout the body of the essay, indicate good moments for the reader to stop and take a little break.


After each assertion, determine how strong the supporting evidence is, then punctuate with the corresponding number of exclamation points.

The concluding paragraph should summarize the points you’ve made and include an exclusive teaser of a brand-new thesis to generate buzz for your next paper.