With applications due in just a few months, students are scrambling to write essays that showcase their academic prowess and personalities. Here are some tips for writing a great college application essay.


Start by brainstorming a list of profound, once-in-a-lifetime experiences you’ve had that can serve as a metaphor for personal growth

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Organically work in the fact that your dad is the senior senator from Nebraska


Find a creative angle, like writing the essay from the point of view of someone with a unique perspective

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Make sure your essay has three distinct sections: the introduction, the body, and the part where you beg to get into Yale


Ask one of the other 17-year-old dipshits you know to read it over


Remember: No one is going to do the legwork required to confirm that your brother had cancer

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Mention that you’re willing to take this to the Supreme Court if necessary


Hook your reader immediately with an attention-grabbing spelling error


A little spray of perfume on your essay will guarantee to make the admissions officer fall hopelessly in love with you

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If your parents can afford to pay full tuition, be sure to lead with that