This week's 10 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:
- Chris Evans Would Be Good Nicholas Sparks (Grand Central, $12.99) A young man dreams of the simple country girl he left behind and of the actor who might portray him in the film adaptation.
- Depressing-Occasion Cakes Martha Stewart (Clarkson Potter, $34.99) From funeral tortes to divorce flans, the best desserts for the worst moments of your life.
- Shoving Live Cats Into A Garbage Disposal Ann Coulter (Crown Forum, $29.99) The bestselling author takes a break from politics to tackle a subject near and dear to her heart.
- The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge The Onion (Little, Brown, $29.99) With this august volume, The Onion shall strike a mortal blow to ignorance everywhere and shatter any pitiful illusions the world once had about how many copies could be sold.
- Keeps Me From Stinkin’ Jeff Foxworthy (Villard, $12.95) The popular comedian and game show host details why he bathes regularly.
- Killing Nicole Bill O’Reilly (Henry Holt, $19.99) The O’Reilly Factor host explains how he would have killed O.J. Simpson’s wife had anyone asked him.
- Lies Of The Prisoner Patricia Cornwell, James Patterson, and Dean Koontz (Bantam, $28.95) Cornwell, Patterson, and Koontz team up to write the ultimate airport bookstore novel.
- The Bible (Penguin, $12.99) A merciful God’s patience is tested by the hijinks of man.
- The New Miracle Diet Frank Meriwether, M.D. (Touchstone, $19.95) Dr. Meriwether explains how you can easily lose weight by replacing one meal every day with a cashew-based slurry.
- Of Mice And Men And Zebras Tim Showenstal (Quark, $15.99) The John Steinbeck classic gets the zebra treatment in this latest mashup iteration.
Demand Grows For Stricter Transit Regulations After Derailing Train Hits Airplane At 30,000 Feet