Top 6 Happiest Countries In The World


Education: Top Finnish-language program in world

Source Of Tranquility: Near total ethnic homogeneity

National Anthem: Repeatedly chanting “Finland” in increasing volume until things sort of die out

Most Popular Dish: Pickled ice

Life Expectancy: 80.63 years, but in Finland

Last Violent Crime: Cudgel War of 1596

Prison System: Series of high-security saunas


Population: 750,000 people who are one with all

National Anthem: 3 minutes of children laughing

Education: 97% of residents know the sound of one hand clapping

Economy: Mostly service industry jobs of either taking people up mountains or carrying their corpses down mountains

Demographics: 65% National Geographic freelance photographers, 35% ethnic Bhutanese

Geography: Once beautiful, diverse landscape destroyed by monastery construction boom over past few centuries

Main Source Of Happiness: Watching Western backpackers think they’re having spiritual epiphanies


Form Of Government: Brutally oppressive regime that prevents Quebec from seceding

Official Languages: French, weird-sounding English

Percentage Of Population Comprised Of American Men Shirking Call Of Duty: 9

Most Common Profession: Well-enough-regarded actor

Main Exports: None. Not really into imposing themselves that way.

Maple Leaves Branded Onto Every Newborn Child: Yes

Paul Anka Index (PAI): 100


GDP: 72% tennis-based earnings from Grand Slam singles titles

Largest Employers: International art theft rings, international jewel theft rings

Currency: Lots

Number Of Colossal Statues Of Lindt Chocolate Founder David Sprüngli-Schwarz Carved Right Into Mountainsides: 53

Artisanal Handcrafted Goods: Out the ass

Life Expectancy Of Former SS Officers Residing In Idyllic Alpine Chalets: 92

Euphora Bora, Southern Joy Islands

Length Of Average Sunset: 24 Hours

Standard Of Living: All-inclusive

National Blood Alcohol Content: 0.09

Geography: 52% sun-dappled, 48% sun-kissed

Hours Per Day Spent Laughing While Throwing Fishing Nets Into Shallows: 7

Crushing Poverty Of Island Natives: Easily overlooked

United States

Main Export: U.S. companies

National Cuisine: Seconds

Percentage Of Happiness SSRI-Induced: 72

Resting On Laurels Since: 1957

Infrastructure: Works fine after good whack with wrench

Greatest Moment Of Happiness Average Resident Will Ever Experience: Going to batting cage at the Family Sports Center

Infant Mortality: So, here’s the thing with that…