Education: Top Finnish-language program in world
Source Of Tranquility: Near total ethnic homogeneity
National Anthem: Repeatedly chanting “Finland” in increasing volume until things sort of die out
Most Popular Dish: Pickled ice
Life Expectancy: 80.63 years, but in Finland
Last Violent Crime: Cudgel War of 1596
Prison System: Series of high-security saunas
Population: 750,000 people who are one with all
National Anthem: 3 minutes of children laughing
Education: 97% of residents know the sound of one hand clapping
Economy: Mostly service industry jobs of either taking people up mountains or carrying their corpses down mountains
Demographics: 65% National Geographic freelance photographers, 35% ethnic Bhutanese
Geography: Once beautiful, diverse landscape destroyed by monastery construction boom over past few centuries
Main Source Of Happiness: Watching Western backpackers think they’re having spiritual epiphanies
Form Of Government: Brutally oppressive regime that prevents Quebec from seceding
Official Languages: French, weird-sounding English
Percentage Of Population Comprised Of American Men Shirking Call Of Duty: 9
Most Common Profession: Well-enough-regarded actor
Main Exports: None. Not really into imposing themselves that way.
Maple Leaves Branded Onto Every Newborn Child: Yes
Paul Anka Index (PAI): 100
GDP: 72% tennis-based earnings from Grand Slam singles titles
Largest Employers: International art theft rings, international jewel theft rings
Currency: Lots
Number Of Colossal Statues Of Lindt Chocolate Founder David Sprüngli-Schwarz Carved Right Into Mountainsides: 53
Artisanal Handcrafted Goods: Out the ass
Life Expectancy Of Former SS Officers Residing In Idyllic Alpine Chalets: 92
Length Of Average Sunset: 24 Hours
Standard Of Living: All-inclusive
National Blood Alcohol Content: 0.09
Geography: 52% sun-dappled, 48% sun-kissed
Hours Per Day Spent Laughing While Throwing Fishing Nets Into Shallows: 7
Crushing Poverty Of Island Natives: Easily overlooked
Main Export: U.S. companies
National Cuisine: Seconds
Percentage Of Happiness SSRI-Induced: 72
Resting On Laurels Since: 1957
Infrastructure: Works fine after good whack with wrench
Greatest Moment Of Happiness Average Resident Will Ever Experience: Going to batting cage at the Family Sports Center
Infant Mortality: So, here’s the thing with that…