With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.


Wisconsin Dells

Dubbed “the water park capital of the world,” the Dells offers families an exciting way to add to their damp Band-Aid collection

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The Grand Canyon

This natural wonder is a must-see, especially if you have one of those kids who’s always picking up rocks and bringing them into the fucking car

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Dallas, Texas

Besides Dealey Plaza and the Texas School Book Depository, Dallas offers plenty of other attractions, such as the grassy knoll, the Stemmons Freeway, and Parkland Memorial Hospital

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Disney World

All the fun and excitement of Euro Disney, right here in America


Maui

For young families, Maui offers the same attractions as Honolulu while being only 2,471 miles off the California coast rather than 2,532 miles

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New York City

Respectable 4.5/5 stars on Melissa’s Travel Blog


The Villa Outside Monte Carlo

This will be our last summer together before the children are shipped away to finishing school, and the fresh sea breeze would do wonders for sickly little Henrietta

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Colonial Williamsburg

Let the kids learn about at the folksy, primitive ways of the people who wrote our current firearm regulations

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Carlsbad Caverns

The 250-million-year-old formation featuring the country’s fifth-largest cave is one of the world’s most popular places to scream “hello!” a bunch of times

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Aunt Paula’s House

She has a pool

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