Top Snake Handler Leaves Sinking Huckabee Campaign

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LITTLE ROCK, AR—Dealing yet another blow to the former Arkansas governor’s presidential hopes, Dalton Hobbs, one of Mike Huckabee’s top snake handlers, has decided to leave the sinking campaign, sources reported Thursday. “This guy was one of the most loyal campaign staffers on the Huckabee team, and no longer being able to rely on his extensive experience with handling poisonous cottonmouths at stump speeches and town halls is a loss Huckabee really can’t afford right now,” said a campaign insider who wished to remain anonymous, adding that Hobbs had been at the candidate’s side using the power of Scripture to protect himself from the serpent’s bite since Huckabee’s brief Senate run in 1995, but had reportedly become frustrated in recent weeks by the campaign’s apparent lack of focus and inability to make headway in a crowded GOP field. “Sure, Huckabee can find somebody else to warm up the crowds by drinking strychnine and speaking in tongues, but he’ll never really be able to replace Dalton. He was a key member of the campaign’s brain trust.” At press time, Huckabee had reportedly suffered another major setback as word broke that several of the campaign’s leading faith healers had bolted for the Cruz camp.