TICONDEROGA, NY—Explaining that there is simply no way of getting around it, Fort Ticonderoga guide Peter McGillion told reporters Wednesday he now builds at least 10 additional minutes into each of his tours for everyone in the group to mount one of the historical site’s cannons like a horse. “The tour is supposed to be two hours, but I usually shorten the last story about Ethan Allen and the Green Mountain Boys so they have time to take pictures of themselves straddling one of the 15-foot cannons,” said McGillion, adding that if he is leading a particularly large group, he’ll even speed up the demonstration of how palisades are built in order to ensure there is enough time for everyone to take a few shots of their friends or families sitting in a row along the barrel. “It’s tricky, but the more tours you do, the better you get at estimating how long you’ll need for the cannon stop. I’ve actually tried starting with the cannon, but then everything else seems like a letdown after that.” McGillion also stated that, rather than cut anything from the tour, he’ll usually squeeze in a few anecdotes about Benedict Arnold as the group’s teenage boys take turns posing like the cannon is their erect penis.

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