Traitorous Eyelash Gets In Eye It Sworn To Protect

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BOSTON—Abandoning its most sacred duty to defend the sight organ from dust and other ocular irritants, a traitorous eyelash got into the eye of local man Richard Paulson despite being sworn to protect it, sources confirmed Monday. “You son of a bitch, I never should have trusted you,” said Paulson, his eye watering as he attempted to dig out the half-inch turncoat hair with a trembling pinky finger and, moments later, cursed the lash for slipping further down into his tear duct. “This is absolutely unacceptable. You took an oath to do one thing—one thing—and now you’ve betrayed me like Judas fucking Iscariot! Goddamn it.” At press time, Paulson was overheard shouting “I’ll show you!” at the duplicitous eyelash before plunging a letter opener into his bare eye.