Staff shortages at airlines, weather delays, and a spike in holiday travel have left many travelers struggling to take long-overdue vacations and make visits home. The Onion asked travelers how they felt about the nationwide delays, and this is what they said.
“It’s keeping me away from my family, and that is a beautiful thing.”
“Hell yeah! Two more craaaazy nights in Boise, baby!!”
“I firmly believe that if you paid for a flight, you are entitled to take that flight, plane or no plane.”
“I know there’s not much anyone can do about it, but it still felt good to make a gate agent cry.”
“I love that it counts as an attempt to visit my parents but without me having to actually see them.”
“I guess we’ll all have to settle for riding atop giant birds instead.”
“Who knew that underpaid, overworked skeleton crews could not live up to the endless promises of soulless corporations?”
“Never getting to your destination is just part of traveling.”
“Just wanted to let you know we’re out of rental cars too.”
“When you factor in all the packing and all the waiting, I can probably walk just as quickly as a plane can fly.”
“That’s okay. I’m sure my grandmother can wait another day or two to die.”
“It’s disappointing, because ever since 9/11, air travel has been entirely delightful and stress-free.”
“I’m a simple man: As long as I have my knapsack and my trusty harmonica, I’ll still be able to ride the rails all the way to Reno.”
“Given the understaffing issue, I think this is warranted. I wouldn’t feel safe having three, rather than four, flight attendants serving in-flight beverages.”
“I guess I’ll have to cause a scene onboard something else.”
“I mainly only book flights for the chance to hang out in airport Burger Kings, so I don’t really mind that much.”
“I can’t stand the thought of my suitcase enjoying Sacramento without me.”
“If the free market doesn’t want me visiting Cedar Rapids, then it wasn’t meant to be.”
“My friends told me I’d get my heart broken if I trusted Delta Air Lines again.”
“Like most Americans, I have nothing to do and nowhere to go, so I’m not sure what the problem is.”