This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.
Smoove also had some money problems.
As everyone knows, I usually speak of romance. But when times are as dark as they were in 2016, the one you have to take into your heart and hold real tight is yourself. You have to treat yourself right. This is why Smoove will often take a 24-hour period to recharge himself when times get tough. He has a series of steps to fix that which is broken. I’d like to share those steps now.
Let me break it down for you.
First, commit to treating yourself right. Take the day off, turn off your phone, and let it happen. Remind yourself that when your freak levels are low, you cannot seduce fine women at the top of your game.
Next, get a good night’s sleep. Climb into your big, round bed, get under your scarlet satin sheets, and let the world drift away. Allow sleep to hold you in its strong arms. Allow it to gently caress you. Let sleep’s hot breath warm the back of your neck and lull you into a dreamless void of rest and relaxation.
Let it get deep.
The next morning when you arise, create a special breakfast just for yourself. I usually choose a mango, mint, and pineapple smoothie. This tantalizes the tastebuds while giving Smoove all the nutrients he needs.
A word of warning: This is not a breakfast to serve your one true girl after a night of romance. Ladies need eggs or a selection of muffins to replenish themselves after a night of pure ecstasy. Your needs on this day are different.
Now that you have nourished your body, you must do the same for your mind. Prepare to meditate for one hour. What food is for the body, meditation is for the mind.
Once again, allow me to break it down for you.
First, you must create a space that allows your mind to become one with your soul. Turn the lights down low, light the finest scented candle imported from the top scented candle–making region of Italy, and begin to meditate.
Let go of your thoughts. Your mind should be like a 15th-century Portuguese explorer, and your soul should be like an unexplored continent. Explore its sexy coastal curves, luxuriate in its ample mountain ranges, and smile knowingly at the regular geothermal explosions. Once your soul cannot take any more, plant your flag deep in its rich, moist soil.
Now that you have connected your mind and soul, you must take care of your body. I must warn you, this is when things get exotic.
When it comes to taking your body to the next level of care, Smoove prefers a Korean spa. Since he discovered them a few years ago, Korean spas have become part of Smoove’s monthly routine. The many hot tubs and exotic saunas that Korean spas provide rejuvenate the body in ways Smoove finds extremely satisfying. Many, like my main man Darnell, are uncomfortable with the public nudity Korean spas require, but Smoove is comfortable being au naturel with elderly Korean men.
If you do go to a Korean spa, Smoove also recommends getting a body scrub. While the scrubbing can get vigorous and deeply personal, afterward you will feel like a new Love Man. Smoove promises you this.
After you spend hours at the Korean spa and eat a healthy Korean-style meal, your day of rejuvenation is nearly complete. To finish, simply go home and repeat the procedure of sleeping in your big, round bed as described above.
Twenty-four hours may not seem like a lot to some, but for your one true girl it can seem like forever. In fact, when I tell people about my day of rest, they often ask, “But Smoove, what if your one true girl wants to break you off nasty? Is that a problem?”
That is a very good question.
Here is my rule: You can hit your one true girl doggy-style during this day, but it cannot go all night long. Please limit pleasing that booty to under 30 minutes. She may cry out for more, but doing so could compromise the love you will give her the rest of the year.
To sum up: Treat yourself like you would treat your one true girl’s mind, body, and breakfast. With care, gentleness, and extreme attention to detail.
Smoove B resides in the city of Cincinnati, OH, in a 10th-floor penthouse. He is a regular guest contributor at the Cincinnati Learning Annex, where he teaches the popular six-week course, “The Fundamentals Of Relationship Communication.” From 1998–2001, he wrote, produced, and starred in a semi-regular cable-access cooking show that focused on breakfast.