AUSTIN, TX—With a leaked Supreme Court opinion signaling the landmark ruling is poised to be struck down, trigger laws in 13 states are set to automatically detonate abortion clinics the moment Roe v. Wade is overturned, sources reported Thursday. “We have placed highly combustible charges in and around every abortion-providing facility in our state, and they will be activated the second Roe has been repealed,” said Gov. Greg Abbott of Texas, which along with 12 other states has reportedly spent years concealing remote-activated plastic explosives in the walls, ceilings, and floors of clinics that provide healthcare services to women. “We believe the Supreme Court overstepped its powers in 1973 when it banned the detonation of abortion clinics, and with these trigger laws, we are prepared to remedy that egregious error as soon as Justices Alito, Thomas, Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, and Coney Barrett give us the go-ahead. And to those who claim that this will have a disproportionate effect on the low-income pregnant women who are trapped inside the abortion clinics as their bodies are incinerated into ash, I say we are merely following the law.” At press time, sources confirmed abortion clinic doors across the country were being locked to prevent anyone from escaping the blasts.
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This Week's Most Viral News: June 2, 2023