EWING TOWNSHIP, NJ—Touting the product as a breakthrough in modern prophylactics, leading condom brand Trojan announced Friday that it would expand its product line to include a new contraceptive fife that could be used to charm sperm out of a vaginal canal. “This small wooden flute, when played correctly, is capable of enchanting up to 99.9% of spermatozoa and leading them jauntily and safely away from the nearest egg,” said Dana Hendricks, president of marketing at Trojan, before demonstrating several alluring melodies one could play on the device to cast a delightful spell upon semen and prevent an unwanted pregnancy. “The user has about 30 to 45 minutes after ejaculation to render a tune that fully mesmerizes the sperm cells, which will twirl their flagella and merrily follow the siren song out of the vagina—or any other orifice, for that matter. The bewitched seminal fluid will then launch into a hearty jig as the piper leads them across the bed, into the bathroom, and down the drain.” Hendricks added that skilled fife players would find the product was also powerful enough to lure sperm out of a flaccid penis.
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