WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—According to a troubling report released Friday by Purdue University, instances of women dreamily sliding down the back of their front door after kissing a date on the porch of their residence have plummeted 78 percent. “We found that among those who have just received a tender kiss goodnight, the number who then step inside, quietly lock up, and immediately experience such a pure, unbridled wave of joy that they must lean against a wall is at an all-time low,” said lead researcher Sharon Kaplan, who confirmed the dramatic decline in individuals who allow their knees to buckle while sinking to the ground with a contented sigh. “Additionally, we saw a sharp decrease in subjects who remain on the floor, hands pressed together over their chest, softly whispering the name of their sweetheart.” Researchers added that at the current rate, instances in which smitten women then look out through their window shade to find their date jumping in the air and clicking his heels together could soon vanish completely.

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