WASHINGTON—Flopping the putrescent animal carcass down in the Oval Office with an introduction of “call him whatever you want, I don’t care,” President Donald Trump announced Monday that the first family had a new member, a dead dog reportedly adopted to soften his image before election day. “I saw this on the side of the road and I told the Secret Service, ‘Stop the motorcade, that’s it, that’s a brilliant idea, it’s gonna be perfect,’” said Trump as he grabbed an ear to lift up the limp, withered remains of the golden retriever, allowing the media to capture a few images of the deceased canine before its ear tore away, its body fell at his feet, and its head rolled down a limestone walkway in a puddle of blood and brain matter. “That’s good, lie down. And stay down, okay? They say if you want a friend in Washington, get one of these—of course, I have friends already, so many friends, but here it is anyway. Here’s a dog. Everyone says this breed is very loyal, so we’ll see, we’ll see. Could become the best dog any president has ever had. I’m told it has a great pedigree, and I’m expecting great things.” At press time, Trump was seen kicking the dead dog’s head down the West Wing Colonnade after internal polling showed its approval rating was higher than his.
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