WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly unhinged after reading that the president’s favorability numbers were plunging, strait-jacketed opinion columnist Gail Collins repeated to herself that “Trump is finally done” while babbling to a cup of applesauce, sources confirmed Tuesday. “The Republicans are at last abandoning him, yes they are, yes they are, yes they are,” said the deranged, heavily sweating op-ed writer as she rocked back and forth, laughing maniacally while noting that Trump had “proven his clear unfitness for office, don’t you think, Richard?” to a snack-sized serving of Mott’s unsweetened applesauce. “The American people have finally seen through his charade ticky ticky ticky ticky! We all go down. And a barrel of rum and a yo-ho-ho! Is this the end for Trump? My column, below.” At press time, orderlies had been forced to tranquilize Collins, who after she accidentally saw a poll showing Trump’s approval rating edging back up, drew blood while repeatedly banging her head into a concrete wall.
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