PALM BEACH, FL—Wistfully remarking how things had changed since he left the social media site two years ago, former President Donald Trump reportedly returned to Facebook Thursday to find everyone engaged and having babies. “Oh wow, Kevin and Kim had a cute little kid after all those years of trying—good for them,” said Trump, scrolling with surprise through the profiles of once-single friends to discover dozens of wedding and birth pictures, all of which he liked or commented on. “Patricia thought she’d never come back from that divorce, but look at this: She’s married again! She seems really happy, too. And Arnie lost a lot of weight. Boy, I can’t believe I fell out of touch with some of these people. Oh look, one of those videos where they feed miniature snacks to a guinea pig.” Trump went on to chuckle and comment that “the more things change, the more they stay the same” after catching sight of a post from his high school friend who was still trying to get an online bead store off the ground.
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