In the wake of a trial finding the former president liable for defamation and sexual abuse against journalist and author E. Jean Carroll, The Onion spoke with supporters of President Trump to get their reactions. Here’s what they said.
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“That jury had an obvious bias against rapists.”
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“Even if he really did sexually assault her, it sounds like they’re even now.”
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“How many actions does this man have to do for us to finally realize that he’s perfect?”
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“Wow, we’re even more alike than I thought.”
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“She probably just wanted to destroy his life because he raped her.”
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“Joe Biden is a pedophile. Hillary Clinton is a pedophile. Barack Obama is a pedophile. Nancy Pelosi is a pedophile. Jimmy Carter is a pedophile. AOC is a pedophile. Bernie Sanders is a pedophile...Wait, sorry, what was the question?”
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“There’s no way Trump would ever do something like show up to court.”
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“Wow. That’s the final straw. AOC 2024 it is.”
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“It’s okay as long as he didn’t spill his seed upon the ground.”
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“It makes me so angry, I could hit my wife.”
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“It’s disgusting that she’d exploit her violent attack for a quick payday like this.”
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“Once he pays the ticket, they’ll take it off his record, though.”
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“I wasn’t aware he’s no longer a virgin.”
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“I would have stormed the Capitol twice as hard if I had known he was a rapist.”
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“It would be an honor to be on the same sex offender list as President Trump.”
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“She’s lying! I don’t know anything about the case, that’s just what I say when I hear about sexual assault and am hoping to swoop in on the guy.”
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“I voted for him specifically because of his insatiable, megalomaniacle urge to harm those around him and then make them forever feel helpless and inferior. So this is okay by me.”
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“I don’t like all these people slandering Trump’s good name, claiming he’d never rape a woman. He’d absolutely rape a woman, and that’s why I like him.”
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“Look, I know it might be bad, but I’m still going to listen to his music.”
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“So much for Trump being our first incel president.”
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“I’d gladly be forcibly touched by that slovenly bucket of slime—that’s how much I hate immigrants.”
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“Wow, you know, I was here for the vitriolic racism, the mocking of disabilities, the real estate fraud, the constant lies, the incessant abuses of power, the attempts to undermine elections, the mishandling of a pandemic costing millions of lives, the hush money payments, the inciting of an attempted coup, and the boasting about committing sexual assault, but now that I know that he actually committed sexual assault? I’m out.”
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