WASHINGTON—Shouting “Go! Go! Go!” as an alarm blared, President Donald Trump reportedly threw a garbage can through a McDonald’s window early Tuesday morning before looting $2,000 in Big Macs. According to sources, Trump, seemingly oblivious to the broken glass sticking out of his arm, then proceeded to stuff dozens of Filet-O-Fish sandwiches down the front of his shirt, grab a box of M&M McFlurry toppings, and jump out the window with a duffel bag overflowing with Big Macs and french fries, all before returning back inside the restaurant to put his mouth under the soft-serve machine again. Several eyewitness accounts confirmed that when law enforcement officers arrived at the scene, Secret Service members were protecting the president as chocolate shake dripped from his pockets and numerous apple pies tumbled from his grasp to the glass-strewn concrete. At press time, Trump had reportedly ordered Washington, D.C. to enact yet another curfew so that he could “hit the Baskin-Robbins tomorrow.”
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