ARLINGTON, VA— Following the release of a report indicating that the agency failed 95 percent of security tests, the Transportation Security Administration announced Tuesday that agents will now simply stand at airport checkpoints and remind all passengers that everybody will eventually die someday. “As part of our new security protocol, TSA agents at every checkpoint will carefully inform each passenger that life is a temporary state and that no man can escape the fate that awaits us all,” said acting TSA administrator Mark Hatfield, adding that under the new guidelines, agents will ensure that passengers fully understand and accept the inevitability of death as they proceed through the boarding pass check, luggage screening, and body scanner machines. “Signs posted throughout the queues will also state that death is unpredictable but guaranteed, and a series of looping PA messages will reiterate to passengers that, even if they survive this flight, they could still easily die in 10 years or even tomorrow.” Hatfield went on to say that the TSA plans to add a precheck program that will expedite the process for passengers the agency deems comfortable with the ephemeral nature of life.

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