ARLINGTON, VA—In response to a recent spate of incidents in which the specially trained canines became far too impaired to perform law enforcement duties, the Transportation Security Administration announced plans Tuesday to phase out glue-sniffing dogs. “Upon exhaustive internal review of extensive and sometimes overwhelming evidence, this agency will immediately move to eliminate the use of glue-sniffing dogs in the airport screening process due to their tendency to get really fucked up on the job and just pass right out in the middle of security lines,” said TSA administrator David Pekoske, explaining that while the dogs were, in fact, demonstrably effective at locating glue, the program was cost-prohibitive, quite possibly ill-conceived, uncertain in origin, and had not increased public safety in any measurable way. “This decision was made much easier because the dogs began to get really aggressive if they were not able to sniff out any glue after the 3 to 5 ounces administered by their handlers at the beginning of their shifts. We also found evidence that these dogs eventually move on to harder stuff, such as spray paint or solvents.” At press time, the TSA unveiled plans to humanely euthanize all of the newly laid-off dogs using large volumes of whippits.
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