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Tucker Carlson Late To Work After Being Murdered By Hordes Of Violent Minorities Again

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WASHINGTON—Huffing and puffing as he sprinted in over 30 minutes late to his 8 a.m. morning meeting, Tucker Carlson told coworkers he was late to work Monday because he got held up being murdered by hordes of violent minorities again. “Hello everyone, I know I’m late, I would have been here on time if I hadn’t just been viciously disemboweled by several families of bloodthirsty illegal immigrants who came to this country to replace us and the American values we hold so dear,” said Carlson, who sat down and let out a labored breath before giving the Fox news staff a detailed description of over two dozen groups of minorities of all different races, genders, and sexualities who had brutally beat him to death at every stage along his commute. “It’s just so annoying, I had my entire drive planned out to make it here early, but then dozens of illegals pulled me from my car and beat me to death at a coffee shop, gas station, and even on the interstate. I just kept telling them to go back to their country and let me go to my honest, hardworking American job, but they just kept slashing my throat or shooting me in the face and saying Joe Biden sent them. And now the whole day has to be pushed back. Typical.” Carlson then proceeded to spend an hour in the bathroom, and upon exiting, told coworkers that an immigrant had beat him senseless in a stall and as retaliation, clogged the toilet.