BOCA GRANDE, FL—As he tore off his shirt and shouted that his body was covered in heinous transgressions of the law, Tucker Carlson screamed in agony Friday, claiming that he felt crime crawling all over him. “Please, someone, get these crimes off me!” yelled the 53-year-old television host, who reportedly scratched at his face until it bled because he believed crime was burrowing deep into his skin. “Call 911—billions of laws are being broken right now in every cell of my body! Democrats must be dumping crime in the nation’s water supply. This is exactly what I said was going to happen, but no one believed me. Now I’m infected with it, and I reek of foul criminal offenses!” At press time, sources confirmed Carlson had set himself on fire in a desperate attempt to kill the crime.
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