Tumor-Covered Chester Cheetah Apologizes For Role In Marketing Dangerously Cheesy Cheetos To Children

WASHINGTON—Speaking out against his former employer while testifying before Congress, terminally ill snack-food mascot Chester Cheetah apologized through tumor-riddled lips Friday for his role in marketing dangerously cheesy Cheetos to children. “I’m ashamed to have been a part of this campaign,” said Cheetah, who described his struggles from daily exposure to the dangerously cheesy snack, which destroyed his health, caused his fur to slough off in clouds of bright orange dust, and potentially played a role in his wife’s miscarriage. “For far too long, I’ve been complicit in covering up just how much damage these snacks have caused—especially for young children. I’m sure they all watched me skateboarding in my stylish sunglasses and envied the Flamin’ Hot lifestyle I lived on my TV show and in Sega Genesis games, but in reality, I was suffering, barely clinging onto life. I can’t take back the harm my actions have caused to the world’s children, but I promise them this: The harder Frito-Lay tries to sweep my condition under the rug, the harder I will fight. I refuse to be silenced.” Cheetah’s statement is the most severe mascot-related scandal to hit Frito-Lay since 1972, when the Frito Bandito was gunned down by treasury agents outside an El Paso currency exchange.

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