GARY, IN—Confirming the results after extensive medical imaging, a team of doctors at Indiana University Northwest reported Wednesday a case of one twin absorbing another at the age of 62. “It’s more common than you think,” said Dr. Joseph Beaumont, stipulating that clinicians typically saw this type of autositic relationship emerge during a much earlier stage of development than they had in the case of 62-year-old siblings Archie and Vinny Landers, usually before the weaker twin had a chance to mature to middle age and begin managing a successful hardware store. “Because they came from a single fertilized egg within their mother, it’s not unheard of for the two clumps of cells to rejoin despite years of living as grown, separate men with individual consciousnesses, children of their own, and homes in different suburbs. We believe this 234-pound mass in the stomach of Archie, the dominant twin, to be the compressed form of his scrawnier brother Vinny, the reabsorbed twin, whose heartbeat can still be detected with a stethoscope, along with his muffled voice repeatedly referring to his brother as a son of a bitch.” At press time, Dr. Beaumont expressed concern that the internally absorbed twin had become parasitic, pilfering all of the nutrients from the chicken tenders and Miller Light his brother attempted to consume.
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