Elon Musk has pledged to remove all verification for accounts that refuse to pay $8 per month for Twitter Blue. The Onion asked verified Twitter users how they felt about losing their coveted blue checks, and this is what they said.
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“It sucks, but I refuse to pay eight bucks for a buggy site teeming with white supremacists.”
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“Loss of the blue checkmark will lead to the rapid spread of misinformation around issues of life or death, so really not much will change.”
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“I’ve disappeared from every photo in my house. I try to call out to my neighbors, but nobody answers.”
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“Yeah, that’s fair. I haven’t done anything good since Return Of The King.”
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“This is a national security concern because it enables malicious accounts to take credit for my summer playlists.”
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“Mr. Musk, dear sir, I do believe a mistake has been made, my lord. If you could, with all your infinite wisdom, fix this, it would be but another example of your noble heart and unmatched spirit.”
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“I thought only coastal elites would be punished. Was I the cuck? Was I the real cuck this whole time?”
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“A genius like Musk knows the only way to make a business profitable is to first alienate any remaining loyal customers.”
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“I’m terrified no one will try to impersonate me.”
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“In the dark and violent expanse of the universe, eventually we all lose our check marks.”
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“Look, at the end of the day, I just have to accept that my moment in the spotlight has passed.”
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“Quick—you distract Elon with some rage comics, and I’ll hack into the mainframe to reverse course.”
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“I was posting too much anime porn, wasn’t I?”
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“The world is a dark and meaningless place. I’ve been crying for 36 straight hours. The only thing that gave me value, gave me purpose, has been taken from me.”
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“I’m hoping this doesn’t impact the thousands of death threats I receive daily.”
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“Twitter fucking sucks now anyway.”
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“Whatever, I’m mostly on LinkedIn now.”
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