Twitter Users Explain Why They’re Moving To Threads

“I just like being part of websites.”

“The girl I’m stalking switched over to Threads, so I followed suit.”

“I joined for the same reason I join every app—to meet bot farms posing as hot pictures of girls.”

“When I opened Threads for the first time, it had already used my data to compile my profile and had been posting for several days, so I guess I didn’t really have a choice.”

“I needed a fourth avenue to try to get to Rachael Ray.”

“I just love the branding. ‘Threads’! It’s such a fun word to look at. It’s so evocative of reading several things in a row, which is what I hope to do on the new website. I have a screen name and everything. It’s Bubbles1991. You see, I have a dog named Bubbles because when I was a kid I liked blowing bubbles, and when I was a kid I also liked to play outside a lot, and now I don’t hardly do that anymore. Now I stay inside and go on the internet while my life passes me by, and so Threads is going to help with that, and I’m so excited to be on it—oh, here comes a Thread now! Here I am, using the internet the way I always wanted!”

“Who wouldn’t want to see all the posts that everyone got tired of in 2014 reposted onto a new platform in a desperate bid for virality?”

“I was scared of the bird at the top of the page.”

“I like the opportunity to post about how much I want to kill myself across multiple platforms.”

“New things good.”

“I don’t know why I left Twitter. The last thing I remember is having a drink at the bar and then waking up bleeding in a bathtub full of ice with a Threads account.”

“I joined because the people I regularly bombard with threats and abusive comments on Twitter moved to Threads for some reason.”

“Click, click, click, click. Shiny, shiny, shiny.”

“Social media has become an intractable typhoon that can no longer be extricated from culture and community. I don’t want to do any of it, but these tech companies own many of my conscious thoughts and waking moments. Whether it’s Musk or Zuckerberg doesn’t matter anymore. The only escape is to die.”

“Zuckerberg’s Meta avatar keeps appearing above my bed and threatening to kill me if I don’t.”

“It has no ads, unless you count the content from Wendy’s, Netflix, and Ulta that make up every other post.”

“It’s important to migrate when your old life doesn’t suit you, just like Dr. Michaela Quinn in Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.”

“I don’t like Musk and have temporarily forgotten how bad Zuckerberg is.”

“I’m a sucker for the illusion of choice.”