CHICAGO—Sources reported that an entire night with several close friends and acquaintances was ruined Thursday when it was revealed that two of the attendees had gone to the same college. “Oh, that’s too funny, because if you were a senior in ’07 we must’ve been there at the same time, because I graduated in ’05,” Lindsey Tolliver, 30, was overheard saying to Matt Fisher, 28, before they engaged in an all-night conversation about the poor quality of the freshman dorms, professors they may have shared, and “totally dumb” campus-wide events—a conversation that reportedly alienated the other three individuals present and rendered them completely silent. “Oh yeah, of course I went to Casino Night. It was so stupid but really fun. I’m surprised I never saw you there. I would always go with Ben Levine—do you know Ben Levine? Oh my God! That’s so crazy that you know him. We should call him right now.” Sources later confirmed the night only got worse when the three other members of the party just stared at Tolliver and Fisher as they debated which campus takeout place offered the best hot wings.
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