Track and Field, 100m — Lexington, Kentucky
Accomplishments: One of the only Americans capable of running
Motivation: Imagining there’s a delicious rabbit running along the edge of the track
Childhood: Left for dead in a shuttered sporting goods store and raised by treadmills
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Olympic Moment: Finished 100-meter sprint with starting block stuck on bottom of shoe
Flaws: Never spends more than 10 seconds doing anything
Celebration: Wraps self in flag, runs victory lap after completing even the most mundane tasks
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