SPRINGDALE, AR—Announcing that the winner would receive a year’s supply of their frozen poultry products killed in their method of choosing, Tyson Foods unveiled a contest Thursday to let fans submit new ideas for torturing chickens to death. “We know our fans love expressing themselves as much as they love chicken nuggets, which is why we’re asking you to send us your most creative ideas for brutally slaughtering chickens at our processing plant, no matter how outlandish, disgusting, or painful,” said Tyson spokesperson John Jaworski, adding that consumers could present their ideas for lethally mistreating the animals using the hashtag #FowlPlay, encouraging them to upload videos of themselves trying out their idea on a live chicken. “We’re looking for any and all concepts for chicken torture, whether that’s firing a chicken out of a cannon into a brick wall, smashing it with a hammer, or slowly cutting its throat with a dull knife—those are just a few of our current processes to get you started. Our winners will get a chance for and all expense paid trip to our headquarters in Arkansas, where we’ll let you execute hundreds of chickens yourself using your suggestion. Bonus points are awarded to any idea that can kill over a thousand chickens simultaneously or cause them to squawk in immense pain for over 24 hours. All right, time to get creative!” At press time, Tyson Foods announced that the first winner, a Twitter user who submitted the idea of cramming dozens of chickens into a tank and pouring chicken blood into it until they all gradually suffocate on the blood and die, was at company headquarters getting a photo op with the CEO.
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