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U.N. Mysteriously Disappears After Criticizing Russia

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NEW YORK—Expressing shock and outrage at the sudden end to the General Assembly’s 2022 session, sources reported Friday that the United Nations had mysteriously disappeared after criticizing Russia. “U.S. intelligence assets received no warning that U.N. Headquarters in Manhattan would vanish completely and without a trace, and we suspect foul play is at work,” said FBI special agent Lucas Sanford, explaining that a day after Western nations on the Security Council condemned Russia’s war crimes in Ukraine, representatives from all 193 member states were nowhere to be found and unreachable by phone or email. “On the former site of the U.N. complex, we found traces of Novichok nerve agents as well as lethal levels of polonium-210, both of which could be indicative of Russian involvement. In addition, eyewitnesses on the scene confirmed they had seen hundreds of diplomats being rolled up and carried away in a big carpet.” At press time, the only missing person who had been located was Russian foreign minister Sergey Lavrov, who said he could not have participated in an operation to assassinate some U.N. ambassadors and transport others to a secret prison because he was grabbing lunch at Katz’s Delicatessen when it happened.