NEW YORK—Speculating that there were probably dozens of people out there who had a handle on the situation, U.N. Secretary General António Guterres assumed Wednesday that someone was already doing something about the one million Uighur Muslims currently detained in Chinese internment camps in Xinjiang Province. “I presume there’s a group of some sort that stepped up after seeing China imprisoning a million of their own Muslim citizens for religious reeducation,” said Guterres, surmising that given the severity and scope of the situation, there were most likely several powerful world leaders and maybe even an international governing body dedicated to taking care of the whole thing before it escalated further. “Frankly, it would be weird if somebody didn’t see a Muslim minority being rounded up without trial and immediately jump into action by signing some sort of accord. Or maybe the whole Uighur thing was already wrapped up—I haven’t really looked into it recently. I mean, it started back in 2014, so there’s been plenty of time. Either way, there’s no chance in hell the world would just turn its back on a clearly oppressed people like this, right?” At press time, U.N. officials were reportedly delighted to hear China had already volunteered to sort out the issue themselves.

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