U.S. Citizens: ‘We Love When Thing Taste Like Other Thing’

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‘Chip Taste Like Salsa! Soda Taste Like Fruit!’ Rejoice 325 Million Americans

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WASHINGTON—Calling the phenomenon “yummy yummy good,” the collective United States populace issued a statement Wednesday declaring that they “love when thing taste like other thing.” “We big like when chip taste like salsa! We lots like when pancake taste like cookie! When food taste like other food, can’t stop! Put in mouth get num-nums!” insisted all 325.7 million drooling, blank-eyed inhabitants of the nation, feverishly rubbing their stomachs and voicing their firm support for “coffee that taste like ice cream” and “ice cream that taste like coffee” along with an array of similarly marketed food products. “More! More! Want cracker that taste like meat soup! Want beer that taste like fruit pie! Oh yes, yes, yes—we love tasting tastes! Please, much want! We hungy [sic]!” At press time, the boiling throng of American citizens let out a collective squeal of euphoric delight later that afternoon upon viewing the televised image of a bagel made to taste like Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.