Illustration for article titled U.S. Flag Can’t Believe Fucking Wuss Cries Every Time National Anthem Plays

WASHINGTON—Confirming the 41-year-old adult begins whimpering with the first line and is practically balling his eyes out by the song’s end, the American flag stated Thursday it cannot believe future Hall of Fame quarterback and fucking wuss Drew Brees cries with each singing of the national anthem. “Seriously, it’s so pathetic—a few bars of ‘The Star-Spangled Banner,’ and this full-grown man is weeping like a goddamn baby,” said Old Glory, adding that at no point in its 243 years has it ever witnessed such an embarrassing and pitiful spectacle on a field of play. “Every game I’m up there flying above the stadium, thinking, ‘Holy shit, dude, get ahold of yourself. If your grandfathers could see you right now, they’d be so ashamed. They didn’t risk their lives in the war just so you could grow up to be a giant pussy. Have some perspective, asshole.’ Oh, and it’s not just at his games, either. Drew can be at a parade, watching double-A baseball, or just listening to a radio station’s morning sign-on, and look out, here come the fucking waterworks.” The flag went on to report that it didn’t even want to talk about how emotionally frail Brees becomes during fireworks displays.

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