U.S. Government Offers 100 Million Americans Generous Severance Deal To Leave Country

President Obama explains COBRA options to a departing American.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to make the nation a leaner, more dynamic international force, the United States government is reportedly offering 100 million American citizens generous severance deals to leave the country, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Government officials told reporters that approximately one in three Americans will receive a comprehensive severance package guaranteeing continued access to federal benefits and full constitutional protections for three months, providing these newly expatriated individuals with the means to support themselves and maintain a first-world quality of life until they secure gainful residence in another country.

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“In order to effectively position the U.S. to optimally tackle the unique challenges of a changing 21st-century economy, we have made the difficult but necessary decision to trim redundancies among the general population,” President Barack Obama said of the coast-to-coast headcount reduction, which reportedly requires those individuals receiving an exit package to gather their possessions and vacate the country by the end of the week. “Though we greatly appreciate the contributions made by these tens of millions of devoted Americans over the years, a top-to-bottom restructuring has proven necessary to ensure that we remain relevant in an increasingly competitive global landscape.”

“We thank these departing Americans for their service and wish them the best of luck as they pursue other citizenship opportunities,” the president continued.

Government administrators claim that the severance offering will free up substantial budgetary resources and residential space that will be reallocated to the country’s remaining 220 million men, women, and children, diminishing congestion in larger U.S. cities and relieving pressure on the public education system.

In order to be eligible for severance, outgoing Americans are reportedly required to sign a waiver accepting the provisions of their dismissal and acknowledging the “at-will” status of their citizenship. After doing so, they will reportedly be granted a number of perks, including Medicare coverage and Social Security payouts for longer-tenured nationals, as well as freedom of speech and the right to a trial by jury through April 15.

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Officials also noted that those individuals receiving severance would be encouraged to take advantage of federal outplacement services that will assist them in finding a country or sovereign principality for which they are a better fit.

“This arrangement benefits all parties. It allows the U.S. to streamline its operations and invest more heavily in our standout residents and taxpayers while providing those who are no longer with us the tools they need to move on to the next chapter of their lives.”

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“While we understand that this denaturalization initiative may not be welcomed by many of our residents, we want to make sure that they are leaving on good terms,” said U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services director León Rodríguez, who will be conducting exit interviews with each of the departing citizens in order to gather survey data that can be used to improve the experience of the remaining American people. “This arrangement benefits all parties. It allows the U.S. to streamline its operations and invest more heavily in our standout residents and taxpayers while providing those who are no longer with us the tools they need to move on to the next chapter of their lives.”

According to sources throughout the nation, the citizenship cuts have been widely met with shock and even outrage, with some former Americans refusing to emigrate, forcing the National Guard to firmly escort these disruptive individuals to the nearest border with either Canada or Mexico while the State Department invalidates their passports.

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However, many severance recipients told reporters that their discharge did not come as a surprise, with several noting that they “already had one foot out the door” by the time they were presented with the nonnegotiable terms of their departure.

“I’ve seen the direction America has been headed in for a while, so when they gave me the opportunity to look for a new country while still receiving federal grant money for graduate school, I jumped on it,” said Chicago resident Mark Ipser, 32, admitting that long before he was offered severance, he had been using a significant portion of his time in the U.S. to “scope out” potential countries where he now plans to apply for citizenship. “I’ve already got some promising leads in Europe—those Scandinavian countries offer incredible health plans, and the vacation days don’t hurt, either. And if all else fails, I can just take a quick residence opportunity in Central America while I look for more stable, long-term citizenship somewhere else.”

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“Granted, I gave some of the best years of my life to the U.S.,” he continued. “But with all of the bullshit I’ve had to deal with recently, I’m not going to miss this place one bit.”

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