WASHINGTON—In an attempt to show the international community that America’s threats were not to be taken lightly, the United States reportedly imposed a single painful economic sanction on itself Thursday just to show Russia how fucking crazy it was. “I hope you can take a lotta pain, ’cause we sure as hell can,” said Secretary of State Antony Blinken as he stared wild-eyed at Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov, rolled up his sleeves, and then signed a punishing diplomatic order that would effectively cripple the U.S. soybean industry for years to come. “You want a piece of this? Do ya? You must not know who the hell you’re dealing with. You think we give a shit whether Americans ever sell another goddamn soybean on the international market? If you’re gonna come at us, you better bring everything you got. We’ll freeze our own offshore bank accounts. We’ll send the dollar into a tailspin. Doesn’t fucking matter to us. We are loco, my friend.” At press time, sources reported that America’s display of its general insanity and tolerance for pain had escalated until the nation launched a series of nuclear strikes that wiped St. Louis off the map.
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