WASHINGTON—Calling the transgression simply unacceptable as foamy suds dripped onto the floor from his shirtsleeves, Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon reportedly revoked the United States’ membership in the United Nations this afternoon after a soapy, soaking-wet Bo Obama jumped up on the diplomat during a visit to the White House. “OBAMA!” Ban reportedly bellowed at the top of his lungs as the stammering president frantically apologized and wiped frothy white bubbles from the statesman’s face just moments after the Portuguese water dog escaped from a bath that the first lady had been giving him on the South Lawn, ran into the foyer, and shook his lathered, wet fur all over the U.N. leader’s brand-new suit. “This is the last straw, do you hear me? You are off the Security Council, off the International Court of Justice, and out of the United Nations—forever!” At press time, the secretary-general vowed to impose crippling economic sanctions on the U.S. after Bo knocked him to the ground and began licking his face.

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