U.S. Military Announces Plan To Consolidate All Wars Into Final, Epic Battle

The single, glorious battle will wipe out population centers and reduce most countries to ash, as well as bringing about instantaneous and lasting world peace.

ARLINGTON, VA—In a historic decree proclaiming the time had come for blood to be shed upon every corner of the Earth and for each enemy to be pursued unto death, the Pentagon declared Thursday that it would consolidate all the nation’s wars, from now until the end of days, into one final, epic battle.

As they stood beneath a darkened sky and looked out over the windswept plain upon which they had amassed the full might of their armored vehicles, combat aircraft, drones, and 2 million service members, U.S. military commanders confirmed they were ready to mobilize every asset at their disposal for one last global campaign: an unceasing battle that will continue until every potential American adversary has been defeated.


“Soon, we will confront our enemies—every last one of them—in a single, glorious clash of arms through which we intend to settle America’s scores once and for all,” Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Joseph Dunford shouted to the assembled ranks of all five branches of the military, ordering officers to deploy every troop under their command and every weapon in their arsenals to all seven continents. “This will be a total war waged on all fronts, in every conceivable theater of battle, with all those who oppose us given no quarter from our savage, unrelenting fury unleashed by land, sea, and air. If necessary, we will fire every bullet, drop every bomb, and launch every missile in our possession to ensure victory.”

“Mark my words, a fight is coming,” Dunford added. “Let our battle cry be heard in the farthest reaches of the world!”

Dunford noted that all options were on the table for wiping out the world’s hostile regimes, armed separatists, terror organizations, and drug cartels, and that the blood of American soldiers would be spilled in the hills, valleys, jungles, and streets of more than 70 nations, continuing without pause until the last few troops were left fighting hand to hand in the mountains of northwest Pakistan.

According to the Pentagon, U.S. forces plan to strike mortal fear into the hearts of every conceivable foe, present and future, as they engage in fierce urban assaults in downtown Pyongyang, close-quarter firefights in the foothills of eastern Africa, preemptive bombings of the barren Antarctic plains, and hundreds of planned clashes in Russia, Iran, China, Mexico, the Philippines, Venezuela, Syria, Libya, and Niger.


Military officials acknowledged a significant percentage of the planet would become a “blighted, crater-covered wasteland” given that their strategy has granted field commanders free rein to call in bombing raids from the nation’s 4,000-warhead nuclear arsenal and access to U.S. stockpiles of chemical weapons.

“By our estimates, this offensive will be unlike any humanity has ever known; hundreds of millions will perish in the fighting, as will countless others from the starvation and disease that will ravage what is left of world population centers—but fight on we must,” said Dunford, adding that soldiers on the battlefield had been ordered to refuse medical treatment unless their wounds were serious enough to prevent them from operating an M320 grenade launcher. “Indeed, for days and weeks, the chorus of ordnance exploding and bullets ripping into flesh will be deafening, with cities crumbling to their foundations and entire countries reduced to ash.”


“Yet we will continue marching forward across the corpse-clogged battlefield, wading through the waist-deep viscera that stretches to the horizon,” Dunford continued. “Though tanks may crush the skulls of our beloved comrades, we will keep our gazes fixed upon the triumphant fighter jets screeching by overhead. Just picture it: an end not only to all current conflicts, but all conflicts that ever were or ever will be.”

While Dunford admitted that U.S. forces were certain to take heavy casualties in such an expansive engagement, he said it was a price worth paying to bring about instantaneous and lasting world peace. The career Marine officer further suggested that when future citizens looked back on the battle, they would recognize the necessity of deploying the sum total of America’s military might simultaneously.


“Some in the political establishment might say that our wars are best fought one battle at a time, but I disagree,” said Dunford, who later explained that the final battle’s cost would not be covered by the Pentagon’s $700 billion annual budget, but would instead be financed by taking on additional debt and usurping the spoils of the vanquished. “If we have the resources to thoroughly lay waste to our enemies’ armies and capture their leaders in order to parade them through the streets of Washington in shackles, why not do it right now?”

“Why should we delay in administering swift and merciless justice upon our rivals?” added Dunford.


Dunford went on to state that while the military intended to exploit every available resource in its final battle, any leftover funds would be used to build a memorial that, when etched with the names of the fallen, would stretch across the entire length of the National Mall’s charred remains.

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