ARLINGTON, VA—In what many are calling a long-overdue response to a clear weak spot in the defenses of U.S. military facilities, the Pentagon issued a new series of security guidelines Friday after confirming another group of precocious children had infiltrated a base and rescued an alien friend.
The Defense Department, which has acknowledged six such incidents in the past year alone, said the updated protocols would be implemented at all domestic military installations, eliminating the security flaws that currently allow any building housing an extraterrestrial to be accessed by a scrawny kid whose friends convince him to squeeze through the ventilation shaft. The new directives also reportedly prohibit checkpoint guards from waving through 12-year-olds who pull up in their mom’s station wagon, display their older brother’s driver’s license, and claim to be catering a party for the base commander.
“Somehow, these top-level security breaches keep happening, so we’re putting tougher safeguards in place to stop our most sensitive assets from falling into the hands of troublemaking youths,” Pentagon spokesperson Col. Graham Stevens said of the plucky children who, relying on nothing but their wits, determination, and a few homemade gadgets, have repeatedly managed to hoodwink the most powerful military on earth to set free a beloved alien buddy. “We must make our base perimeters impenetrable to brainy kids armed with devices they have cobbled together from remote-control car parts and a See ’N Say pull-string toy.”
“The fact that we’ve allowed young children to escape with highly classified alien life forms this many times is an embarrassment, frankly,” Stevens added.
Sources reported that the threat level had been raised to FPCON Bravo at all U.S. military bases holding lovable alien beings, and that 12,000-volt electric fences will soon replace the facilities’ chain-link barriers, which are vulnerable to elementary school students using bolt cutters to open a hole big enough for their friends to sneak inside. The new measures also reportedly call for extensive surveillance upgrades, including a plan to place security cameras outside the range of Silly String cans.
In addition, reports indicated the military would spend millions of dollars on new signal-jamming hardware that can disrupt communications from G.I. Joe–brand walkie-talkies.
According to Pentagon officials, the most significant new guidelines are those requiring more sophisticated encryption for Defense Department servers, which at present can be hacked into by any fifth-grader with an old Commodore 64, a bent piece of wire inexplicably covered in foil, and a working knowledge of BASIC. This is believed to allow children to locate the containment unit holding the space creature they befriended just a few weeks earlier, in most cases after they found it starving in the woods and went to a nearby fast-food chain to buy it cheeseburgers, which the alien could reportedly never get enough of.
“Make no mistake, these kids are criminals, and for too long, military intelligence has underestimated their capabilities,” said Stevens, citing the example of a child who,despite having no camouflage in his closet at home, managed to avoid detection on a highly secure base by wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume and blending in with the bushes. “They have managed to short-circuit our state-of-the-art electronic locks using nothing more than a fork, a wad of bubble gum, and a digital watch. Strictly speaking, that shouldn’t even be possible, but it has become an issue we must address.”
“Admittedly, there have been some oversights on our part, such as deciding to build security systems that can be shut down with the flip of a single switch on an electrical panel located in a poorly guarded utility room,” he continued.
Stevens went on to state that the military had already court-martialed more than a dozen elderly guards who had dozed off as they watched small black-and-white televisions in their security booths, allowing groups of schoolchildren and their alien friends to quietly creep past.
The Pentagon announced that all military personnel would undergo an intensive training program aimed at helping them to counter the tactics commonly employed by these gangs of kids, who have been known to scout out bases ahead of time using a View-Master, create diversions by setting off firecrackers, and lure guards away from their posts with what appears at first to be a beautiful woman experiencing car trouble, but turns out to be a mannequin voiced by a tape recording of a preteen boy.
“The problem is that once these kids escape with our alien specimen in tow, it’s gone for good,” said 1st Lt. Dusty Neuberger, a military lab technician at an undisclosed base in the Utah desert who told reporters meddling children have at this point set back research on extraterrestrial life by decades. “We try to catch them as they pedal away on their dirt bikes, but inevitably all our tanks, Humvees, and armored personnel carriers crash during the chase that ensues, and the kids disappear back to their suburban neighborhood, taking their space friend with them.”
At press time, Pentagon officials were hailing the new initiative a success after a group of tenacious children attempting to gain access to a military facility were taken out by a Special Forces sniper team.