USS STENNIS, PERSIAN GULF—U.S. Iran War Czar Gen. Glenn Jacobs, the general director of the U.S. Center of the Invasion of Iran, announced Monday that neither the United States government nor the 30,000 troops aligned along Iran's border have any plans to invade the "dangerous and belligerent" Middle Eastern country. "We're simply taking every precautionary measure we can to maintain the peace between the two countries, such as making sure we have enough cruise missiles to carry out that peace, taking comprehensive aerial photographs of Iranian bombing targets, and calculating how many lives would be lost if we did invade Iran, which we're not going to do," Jacobs said while studying a video simulation of what a wide-scale assault on Iran would look like. "We don't even have the manpower for that kind of operation yet." According to a statement from the White House, the recently reopened position of U.S. Cold War Czar will be filled soon.
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