WASHINGTON—Bewildered at Vladimir Putin’s reckless decision to launch an assault across the Ukrainian border, U.S. President Joe Biden expressed shock Thursday that Russia would choose to invade another country after seeing how badly America’s recent invasions went. “We thought that the last couple decades or so of the United States completely bungling our way through military action against foreign countries would have served as a cautionary tale, were you even paying attention?” said Biden, adding that it was very well publicized how the U.S. government completely eroded all its trust with Americans as well as the international community, so it was pretty odd that Russia would choose to go for this. “The Russian people don’t even want war, so the fact that you barely have any reason for doing this is already pretty bad—at least we were able to trick Americans into thinking that our invasion of Iraq was a good idea for a little bit. Ever since then it’s just been boondoggle after boondoggle, quagmire after quagmire, it really begs the question why you would want to do this to yourself.” At press time, Biden expressed hope that Russia had learned from America’s mistakes.
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