Oh boy, we’re off to the races again, gamers, because it looks like Bowser is going off on another huge rant about how “it’s the owner, not the breed” after we said we’d never let a Chain Chomp near our kids.
Yes, Nintendo fans, surprise, surprise, we’re in for a tongue lashing from King Koopa after we let it slip that we’d freak out if a Chain Chomp ever moved to our neighborhood because of how dangerous they are. This innocuous comment completely set off Bowser who’s been giving us the business for the past 15 minutes about how Chomps only have a reputation for being vicious because they’re sought out by abusive owners.
Wow, Mario’s nemesis is definitely up on his soapbox now, gamers! He’s yammering on and on about Chomps actually being extremely loyal and playful and citing statistics about how they’re actually far less likely to attack than other Koopas. It’s all very frustrating, especially because we kind of understand the point that Bowser’s making, but nonetheless, it doesn’t change the fact that a small enemy like a Goomba or Shy Guy is almost never going to kill someone, no matter how aggressive it is.
Sorry, but no matter how much Bowser spouts off on how all Koopas are born inherently good and gentle, and it’s only their owners that make them fight, it’s not going to change the fact that we feel scared when we see one of these big guys straining at its leash, clearly trying to bite us. Oh boy, now he’s gone completely off the reservation, talking about how anyone who throws a turtle shell at a Chain Chomp is really the one who should be euthanized. Christ.
Well, looks like we may be here a while, gamers, because Bowser is pulling up some websites for us to read from the Humane Society, so we’ll say goodbye for now. But make sure to step lightly around this conversational minefield the next time you find yourself next to the King of Koopas at a party. Sheesh.