On Feb. 24, 2022, Russia invaded Ukraine. The Onion interviewed Ukrainians and asked them to reflect on the first 100 days of war. This is what they said.
Advertisement
“Not sure how I feel. It’s my first nonstop artillery bombardment, so I don’t have much to compare it to.”
Advertisement
“My Fitbit hit 700,000 steps.”
Advertisement
“We have a rigid algebra curriculum to stick to, and that hasn’t changed.”
Advertisement
“A hundred days?! My Casper mattress trial period is up, and I barely got a chance to use it!”
Advertisement
“We’ve got this surplus of grain, so naturally we’re all wearing bread these days.”
Advertisement
“So cold. So, so cold. But it’s Ukraine, so that’s always been the case.”
Advertisement
“It’s very annoying to wake up each morning and engage yet another assassin in hand-to-hand combat.”
Advertisement
“We lost our home and have been surviving on hardly anything. But I do feel completely denazified from head to toe!”
Advertisement
“Shifting to document the horrors of war is exactly the kind of refresh my timeline needed.”
Advertisement
“My boyfriend and I did need some time apart.”
Advertisement
“If Americans bought even one Ukrainian flag bumper sticker, it will all have been worth it.”
Advertisement
“I was on the Grammys!”
Advertisement
“I still have trouble sleeping. I can’t stop worrying for the future of global oil markets.”
Advertisement
“I swear I’m actually a line cook, but someone handed me a gun and told me I was so brave.”
Advertisement
“Honestly, I haven’t really been paying attention. We’ve all just been so worried about Johnny Depp.”
Advertisement
“To be fair, we’re a little to blame for wanting to exist on the planet and stuff.”
Advertisement
“I got resettled in Canada, so now I get to watch my country die on TV like everyone else.”
Advertisement
“It is very good feeling to know the world has united to wave goodbye to us.”
Advertisement
“On the bright side, I’ll be dead before I have to live through another hundred.”
Advertisement